Having a baby is such an exciting time. If it's not your first baby, then you have the added joy of introducing your little one to their new sibling. But how can you do this and create a good relationship between them?
Here are 7 ways to help your children to have a good relationship with each other:
1. Prepare them for their sibling arriving
Your toddler, particularly a first born, is used to having your undivided attention, so it's really important to prepare them for the changes that are going to happen.
There's a 23 month age gap between our two. From around 18 months old we explained that there was a baby in Mummy's tummy and she would come and meet her big sister soon. Our eldest started talking late, but one of those early words was "baby". As my tummy grew, she would come and kiss the baby and wave at her. It was so lovely to see her bonding with the baby before she was born.
We also got her a dolly with a bottle, potty, nappy and a pram. I taught her how to look after her baby. She would tuck it into bed, kiss it goodnight and play with it. This all went well until she threw it down the stairs - thankfully she's never tried that with her actual sister!
About 5-6 weeks before my due date, we taught her what her sister's name is. She knew it was her sister and could also say her name. It was lovely to watch.
2. First impressions
Your toddlers first impressions of their sibling are quite important. Try to find a time to introduce your children when they are both well rested, fed and have had a drink. This is particularly important for your toddler, as baby's can be unpredictable!
We tried to keep everything as calm as possible. We arrived home with the baby whilst she was at her grandparents house. This meant we could do any nappy/clothes changes that we needed to and I could settle back home for an hour or so before our eldest returned. I could also time a last minute feed for the baby as she was travelling back home so the baby was, thankfully, in the best mood possible. Her grandparents had also prepared her that her little sister had been born and gave her a Big Sister card and a present which helped her too.
When she came in, I was holding the baby and she came straight over. She spent quite some time smiling at her and gave her the present she had picked out - a little giraffe toy. She kissed her and calmly sat on the sofa to cuddle her on her lap too. When the baby was in her moses basket, our eldest tucked her in with her blanket and giraffe toy, just as she had been doing for weeks with her dolly.
3. Use positive language
When you bring home a newborn baby, your toddler will feel huge in comparison. You may also suddenly notice how clumsy they still are, that they have little awareness of personal space or how strong they are and that they are really unpredictable with what they might do.
When you first get home, your toddler will excitedly bound (like a herd of elephants) over to meet their new sibling with an affection kiss (head butt), cuddle them (smother) or push them away (shove) if the baby is sitting on their lap. You will quickly feel very protective of this very little human that you have just brought home and, quite instinctively, say "no" to your toddler, or "don't do that".
Although you have to guide your toddler to be more gentle, the language you use could shape their future relationship. Try saying "lets gently kiss baby's head" (or arm if you think they may not be gentle enough), "<baby's> sleeping, do you want to tip-toe over to see him/her?", " <baby's> sleeping, lets read a book and be as quiet as we can", "try cuddling him/her as softly as you can".
4. Lower your expectations
Naturally you will want to have those cute photos that you see all over the internet of you toddler meeting your newborn. Whether this is them cuddling the baby, kissing the baby or even smiling close to the baby.
By lowering those expectations on the first time they meet and letting your toddler explore their new sibling in their own way and time will positively impact their relationship. You may not get a smile from your toddler, but that's OK. You can encourage a kiss by kissing the baby yourself and give a commentary of "gentle kisses for baby". If it's all going well you can ask them if they'd like to hold the baby, but don't worry if they say no - it's a very big change for them and there are plenty more newborn days to get those photos!
5. A gift from the baby
This is just a nice little touch. As you read above, we let our eldest pick out a toy for the baby as part of us preparing her for the new arrival. We also bought a present for our toddler from the baby.
She was so grateful and excited that her little sister had been considerate enough to buy her a present and wrap it. We decided to get her a play doh set with lots of accessories. We felt that this was a relatively low mess toy that we could supervise whilst looking after the baby. It is also something new as we hadn't had any accessories in the house before. It was great at entertaining her for ages - just what I needed for long feeds etc.
6. Visitors to greet your older children first
This is so important!!
A new sibling is a big change to a toddlers life, this is not to say that it isn't a positive change, but a big change none the less.
You will likely have a lot of visitors in the early days as everyone wants to meet the new baby. Ahead of time, ask your visitors to greet your eldest children first and let your eldest introduce your guests to their little sibling. It is also a good idea to prepare your toddler for the visit and say they can tell them about their little sibling.
It may seem like nothing, but it gives your older children a sense of responsibility and helps to build a positive relationship with their younger sibling. It will also stop them feeling pushed aside, which can be quite easy in the early days.
7. Model positive relationship behaviours
You may have seen families with multiple children out and about and you will look in awe of those whose children get on and may worry if you see some siblings arguing. One thing is for sue that all siblings argue at times and all siblings get on at times, you have just seen a small snapshot into their lives.
You can influence your children's relationships with each other though!
Family relationships and acceptable behaviours to others are learned. The first relationships that our children develop are, usually, with those who are in their household; Mum, Dad, siblings and even pets - yes, how you speak to your pets can have an impact. So try to model positive language and behaviour, especially when your little ones are close by.